it is funny how things become familiar again so quickly. how conversations formerly started with excited, “TELL ME ALL ABOUT AUSTRALIA!” turn into quick hellos and goodbyes. selfishly, i think- “wait, there is so much more to talk about!” but, snap back to the reality of my situation, recognizing it has been half a year gone...and everyone has carried on with their lives. there is no one ringing my skype regularly to hear about my amazing adventures or blowing up my message box on facebook anticipating the next update...alas, the world spins madly on.
i get so excited when i hear and see my friends getting amazing opportunities/living out these dreams that God has created them for/and everything just seems to fall exactly into place for them... and at the same time i am jealous. i hate that jealousy is my first reaction more often than not. i am reminded of the massively unexpected ER trip I had to make a mere two days I got back to tulsa...and the disappointing news that came after...and then the struggle of finding a job...and then the reality that tulsa isn’t just a place to “visit” anymore it is where i am “all in” for now...and i so often am getting wrapped up in watching others’ lives and find myself asking, “what am I not doing right?”
the truth is i feel like i left australia with so many unanswered questions, with so many burdens, with so many emotions. when i got on that plane, i wasn’t even sure i wanted to sing at all anymore. like everything i had ever wanted to say had already been said better than me. i felt broken and whole all at the same time. i felt like my heart was weeping and celebrating simultaneously. like this year of slipping through the cracks was finally over, but funny enough, sad it was over. in the past six months i have been so so so overwhelmed by how much Jesus loves me...and it settles my heart’s doubtful tendencies once more. i have been overwhelmed by the way God has loved me through my brokenness. how he has been so patient and true. so loving and faithful. giving me space. giving me all the time in the world to think through all of the past years’ events. such a perfect love. and in the midst of all my timidity, sweetly urging me to risk and try again...and again...a little bit more each day. a little bit more heart here and there. i am made of different stuff than when i started this journey. so as these doubts creep in sometimes of “what am I not doing right?” i will choose to look to the cross and watch how everything falls into place for the story God is writing in me. i will choose to do what God has given my hands to do in this season. nothing more and nothing less..
Isaiah 61: 1- 5
The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"
planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They'll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new.
Be encouraged. Jesus loves you a lot.
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